There are two retirement speeches and they are not the same job. One is given by the person leaving. The other is given about them, usually by a manager holding a card that forty people have signed. Both are below. Pick yours, replace the brackets, and read it out loud once before the day.
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IF YOU ARE THE ONE LEAVING
[NUMBER] years. That is how long it has been.When I started here, [ONE DETAIL ABOUT HOW DIFFERENT THINGS WERE]. [SECOND DETAIL, IF IT IS A GOOD ONE].[PAUSE FOR LAUGH]I have been asked several times this week what I am most proud of. The honest answer is that it is not [THE OBVIOUS ACHIEVEMENT].It is [THE REAL ANSWER, USUALLY A PERSON OR A TEAM].[NAME], when you [WHAT HAPPENED], I [WHAT YOU DID]. Watching what you have done since has been the best part of this job.[PAUSE]I want to thank [NAME], [NAME] and [NAME], who [SOMETHING SPECIFIC]. And everyone who [THE THING THE TEAM DID TOGETHER].People keep asking what I am going to do now. The plan is [ONE LINE]. Beyond that I intend to find out.[PAUSE]It has been a privilege. Thank you for putting up with me, and for [ONE GENUINE THING].Right. Somebody pour something.
IF YOU ARE SPEAKING ABOUT THEM
[NAME] joined us in [YEAR]. To put that in context, [WHAT THE WORLD OR THE COMPANY WAS LIKE THEN].[PAUSE FOR LAUGH]In that time [HE / SHE / THEY] has [ONE CONCRETE ACHIEVEMENT WITH A NUMBER IN IT, IF YOU HAVE ONE].But that is not what anyone here will tell you about [NAME].What they will tell you about is [THE THING THEY ARE ACTUALLY KNOWN FOR].[PAUSE FOR LAUGH]And they will tell you about [ONE NAMED PERSON] who [WHAT NAME DID FOR THEM]. That is the part that does not appear in any handover document, and it is the part we are going to feel.[NAME], on behalf of everyone here: thank you.We have got you [THE GIFT], and a card that [SOMETHING TRUE AND SLIGHTLY FUNNY ABOUT THE CARD].Everyone, please raise a glass. To [NAME].
Why it is built this way
1
Open on a number
Years of service, or the year they started, is the most efficient opener available. It does the emotional work of a paragraph in six words.
2
What the place was like then
A single detail about how different things were is funnier and warmer than any joke you can write, and it lands with everyone who was there.
3
One person they helped
A career summarised is dull. One named person whose working life was changed by them is not. If you are speaking about someone, find that person and use their story.
4
Name the thing they are actually known for
Every long-serving colleague has one. The tea rule, the spreadsheet, the door always being open. Say it out loud and the room will react before you finish the sentence.
5
What happens next, briefly
One line about the plan. Retirement speeches that dwell on the future turn into advice, and nobody wants advice on their last day.
6
A toast or a handover
End with something the room does, not something they hear. It stops the applause being awkward.
Delivering it
·If you are speaking about someone, ask two colleagues for one story each before you write. It takes ten minutes and it is the difference between a real speech and a leaving card read aloud.
·Do not read the whole card out. Pick the one line that is genuinely funny and leave the rest for them to read at home.
·Three to five minutes. This is an event people are attending during working hours and warmth beats length.
·If it is your own retirement, the plan for what comes next should be one line. The room is there for the years behind, not the ones ahead.
·Rooms like this are usually noisy and badly lit. A phone on a teleprompter at a slow scroll is far easier to read from than a folded sheet of A4.
Frequently asked questions
How long should a retirement speech be?
Three to five minutes, around 400 to 650 spoken words. If several people are speaking, keep each to two minutes and let the leaver have the longest slot.
What should you say in a retirement speech for a colleague?
How long they were there, one concrete achievement, the thing they are actually known for around the office, and one named person whose working life they changed. That last one is what people remember.
Is it appropriate to be funny?
Yes, and it is expected. Keep the humour on what the job was like rather than on the person, and keep it to things they would repeat themselves.